Tuesday, January 30, 2007

My heart and other side notes

So today has been one of those days. One of those days when your journal is never close enough and all you want to do is curl up on your couch and stare at the wall, contemplating the thousands of mixed feelings running through your head. It is in these moments that I see God really working in my heart, teaching me to listen to Him, molding me into His image, letting me feel the helplessness and complete lostness that I am without Him. I have counseled girls for years on emotional integrity and trusting God with your heart. I boldly proclaimed that I trusted Him, that I had given Him my heart. But I didn't and I hadn't. Not completely at least. It's interesting that I wouldn't have known this about myself if I hadn't experienced the pain God let me walk through this last year. And now I am left with the question: will I put my trust in my Lord? Will I really surrender my heart to Him? I don't mean just trusting Him by knowing that He will provide. I am talking about being vulnerable with Him, letting Him take my heart in His hands and do with it as He pleases. It is really scary. I don't like vulnerability. I have been taught to build barriers. To construct walls around me that keep out pain. Unfortunately, my walls have never been think enough, never strong enough. I have hurt and wept and sworn to never let anyone in again. And yet, that is not the answer, is it? The answer lies not in the denial of everyone, but the invitation of One. I am not saying that I am there yet. I am not ready to really surrender, but I don't know that we ever really do. But for today, for this moment, I at least pray that I surrender. I want to be wall free. I don't want to protect my heart from Him.

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