Tuesday, June 30, 2009

New Moon in the City

I got home from work today around six and felt the waves of sleep threatening to wash over me. If I slept, even just a little nap, I would ruin any chance of good rest tonight. So before I surrendered to the tiredness that ached through my bones, I grabbed an umbrella and ran out the door. I would find a bookstore and read the second Twilight book, New Moon. Ok, confession time. I am totally obsessed with these books. I remember hearing about them and thinking how silly vampire romance books sound. I had decided against the popular trend. That is, until I saw the movie. Once I saw it, I had to read the books. I mean, the fact alone that I watched the movie three times in one day is slightly pathetic enough to make it worth the jump into obsession. So I read the first book, all five hundred pages, in two days. I couldn't put it down. Then, I read the fifth book (which is the first book told from another perspective). Those three hundred pages took me one night. So as I walked out the door, the thought of reading the second book was making my search for a bookstore all the more exciting. Unfortunatly the bookstore that googlemaps claimed was only a few blocks from me, wasn't there at all. So I headed to one I knew existed, even though it meant an extra 20 minutes of walking. It was raining slightly, but I didn't mind. The moisture in the air rushed into my lungs as I breathed in deeply. I've been oddly moved by the humidity since I returned from Philly. It makes me feel close, like I'm being hugged by the air. I feel more alive now then I have in a long time.
I finally arrived at the bookstore and set out to find my beloved books. I walked over to the fiction section of the store. Hmm.... vampire romance...would it be under romance? Or fantasy? They weren't in either. I was too embarrassed to ask for help so I went over to a computer kiosk and looked it up myself. Oh... Young Adult. That would make sense. I sheepishly smiled to myself as I walked up the stairs to the Young Adult section. There they were. Easy to find.
I sat down in a corner with a copy of New Moon and made myself comfortable. I figured if it was only seven I could get a few hours of reading in before the store closed. About a hundred pages in, I found myself wiping tears from my eyes. This was embarrassing. Crying in the middle of a Borders bookstore, reading Twilight! But I couldn't help it. The detoriation of the relationship in the book felt way too close to home. I pulled my hood over my head and bent over the book, hoping no one would notice my emotional state.
I made it to page 155 before the announcement came over the loud speaker. It was 10pm and the store was closing. I gathered my things, carefully placed the book back on the shelf and headed out the doors. The security guard smiled at me and wished me a good night. As I stepped outside, I noticed that the rain had stopped. The air was still damp, and now slightly cool. I clutched my purse close to my side and made my way out into the street. I guessed that a quick bus ride up 3rd Ave would be the easiest way home. I ran to catch a bus, my flip flops were wet some the excess water in the streets. I made it to the bus and sat down in the front. It would be a short ride. The men sitting across from me were reminiscing about a day a few years ago when the taxi drivers went on strike. Evidently the taxis are ugly to them. I like the taxis though. I smiled. To each his own.
This breakup has really done a number on me. I used to love being with people, laughing really loud. I was reflective, but only after the fact. These days, I seem to avoid people. I just would rather sit in the humid air. Breathing in slowly. I'm sure it will change and I will be a social butterfly soon enough. But for now, it is really a treasure to enjoy this time. There are no strings attached. Just as it is.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Movies in the Park

Tonight was a bit of a magical night. Let me take advantage of my good mood today, and share with you a little of the magic...

The air was warm and inviting. It wasn't too humid, but enough to feel it wrap its warm arms around my body as I walked through the streets. I popped in my ipod and picked out a good song. New York is a great place to walk with a soundtrack. I breathed in deeply enjoying the ever changing scents that flooded the streets. Indian food, hot dogs, flowers. Each step brought a new scent, and most of them were welcome.
I headed over to Bryant Park where a few hundred people gathered on the lawn in front of a big projector. Some of my friends had gone over early to save seats right in the center of the field. I sat down on the wet grass , tucking the otherwise unnecessary sweatshirt under my legs. After a few minutes of catching up, giggling, playing around with a camera, a loud voice came over the sound system. 10 minutes till the film would start. Excitement filled the air. The sun was setting quickly and as soon as the sky was dark enough, the featured film would start. I looked around and saw groups of girlfriends laughing, couples lying on blankets caressing each other, and lots and lots of young and old people, anxiously awaiting the night's entertainment. Finally, a white square appeared on the projector screen. The film was starting. Everyone applauding and I found myself being swept up in the moment. This is what Manhattan is. There in that park, rich and poor, young and old, ugly and beautiful were all gathered to experience the same Manhattan. There was no cover charge, no 21 and over. It was just a warm night in the city. And it was magical.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

a Recess

Sorry for the lack of postings recently. To be honest, I am still dealing with the break up. It's moving along, but my heart is still really really vulnerable and in many ways not ready to face the world. I knew this whole healing thing would be a process, but I am facing so many emotions right now and with other variables in life, it's leaving me feeling a little lost.
Given my current state, I think its best that I not post anything. Just not right now. In a few days I will return. And hopefully with good news.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

No boxes for good memories

So I feel like I have finally started to move forward. I'm still not sure what I am going to do. But today I smiled, quite a bit actually. I got to have coffee with my friend Brooke, and we talked about everything. Yeah, conversation about the break up was involved, but really, the conversation dealt with so much more. About women in ministry, about seminary education, about postmodernity, about relationships in general. My friends now know why I smiled today. I love talking about these things.
I am slowly moving out of the cloud of sadness. I now face the unanswerable question of what to do with all my good memories with Jason, with the love I still feel in my heart toward him. His grandpa died this week and I wanted nothing more than to bake him brownies, hug him, and offer to drive him to the airport to go home. He has been my dear friend for so long, and now we can't have that. I think someday we'll be able to re-establish something of a friendship. But that doesn't help answer the question: what do I do now with the good? I have no mental boxes for the good memories that spring upon me. Nor do I have any categories for the love I still feel for him.
Alas, I continue on.

I'll post soon on plans for the next few months.... particularly, where I'll be headed.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Waves of hope and pain

I don't have much to report here. I've been trying to muster up the focus to apply to jobs. I'm looking at some stuff in California and some stuff in Korea.
As for the breakup recovery. Honestly, it's easier than I thought, and harder than I thought. I'm not in a state of constant depression. But there are moments when a new thought occurs and I am overwhelmed with an emotion. Usually anger or grief. They are short waves. But nonetheless, they come and wash over me. After a few minutes of tears I return to the reality before me. I am stuck in Philly with no real leads on where I go from here.
Today I experienced my first wave of hope. I was thinking about how much I felt for Jason. How willing I was to love him, to put him before myself, to really give myself to him. And I thought, what if I found someone who loved me back this way? How beautiful would that be? A little glimmer of hope. I'm not sure how much to really hope. It hurts my heart to think in these extremes. It's a process and I know that. I'm just not sure what to do from here.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

An honest ending

So there is no fun or easy way to say this. It's over between Jason and me. The past two weeks have been rough and after an honest talk yesterday, Jason decided that he didn't want to be in a relationship. There are of course more details in the situation, but given the public nature of this blog, I will leave those details out. I will say, I am really hurt. There isn't much more to say than that. To think that someone could know me and say they want to be with me. And then in a matter of days turn around and not want to be with me. It hurts, but I'm glad that we broke up now and not later. And really, I'm glad that we were honest with each other. I was honest about my expectations. And he was honest about not wanting to fulfill them.
So there you go.
I will be deciding what to do from here in the next few days. I'll let you know when I figure it out. Your prayers are appreciated.

(and while ex-boyfriend bashing is a great female tradition passed down through the ages, I am trying to stay away from it, so while I will be honest about how hurt and sad I am, I won't be going down that road and I ask you, my dear friends to refrain from it as well)

Monday, June 08, 2009

what a word.


What a word. So basically nothing turns out like I think it will. It always turns out better for the Lord's will for my life is always infinitely better than my own. But this relationship with Jason has proven to me once again that I am not in control of life. There is so much trust that is required of us! But God has been good and faithful all my life thus far, and I know He walks with me now.

So Jason is back. As I figured, Saturday night when I picked him up from the train station, he was exhausted, I was tired and we didn't really get much more than a hug from each other. Yesterday, after many hours of sleep and some time just to unwind, we hung out. Jason joined me on a blanket on the field behind our apartments, and we sat in the shade, appreciating the fairly low humidity day. It was nice.

Love. To be honest, there is so much we will be working through these upcoming months, and its scary to me (and I think to him as well!) I am so confident that the Lord has brought us together to date. For this season, I know we are supposed to be together. But neither of us is sure that this is going to end in marriage. And that is hard. I don't deal well with uncertainty. I really don't like uncertainty! Especially when each day I feel myself falling more and more for him.

Love. So it's the little things that I am finding joy in. Like yesterday Jason mentioned that he loves bread made from scratch. So today when I was out with my friend Hannah, we stopped by a bread store and I got him a loaf of fresh made Multigrain bread. I'll give it to him when he gets home from work. (Jason, you better NOT read this!) And even just this little thing makes my day. Even in the stress and anxiety I feel in having to buy a car and find a job, I smile when I think of the time I will get to spend here with Jason. So there you go. Stay tuned.

Love. What a word.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Pure exhaustion

This week has been exhausting. My time with my family ended Sunday night and I took a very long bus ride up to New York.
I took Monday to finish packing and cleaning
and Tuesday I drove my things down to Philly.
Wednesday, I drove back up to New York to return the van. Spent the night.
Got up early this morning to see my bible study girls one more time.
I got on a bus headed for Philly and took a glorious nap. It was only an hour of sleep, but it was lovely.
I feel absolutely exhausted.

Jason is supposed to come home this Saturday. (He's been in Utah with his family) I can't wait to see him, especially since its been about a month since we last saw each other. Too long, I tell you, too long. Last week was a little rough for me, I think I hit a wall of insecurity. I needed to see him, for him to hold my hand, to just be here. The Lord has been good though. I have seen His faithfulness even in this trying time. He has taken my heart and given it such a calm peace.

I realized yesterday that when I pick up Jason at the train station, late Saturday night, our happy reunion might be overshadowed by sheer exhaustion. Jason will be tired for a thousand and one reasons, and I won't be far behind him. So I think Saturday night will probably be less than I would have hoped for. But I was talking to one of my dear married friends the other night, and she said she was glad. This is real life. Being tired. Dealing with issues in our lives that stress us, that frustrate us, that scare us. This is real life. Life together won't be easy and if our courtship didn't include weeks (or months) like this, we won't get to see the reality that will be our lives together.

So after all that, I leave you with this. I'm so looking forward to seeing that blond haired blue eyed boy of mine. Even if we're tired.