Saturday, June 13, 2009

Waves of hope and pain

I don't have much to report here. I've been trying to muster up the focus to apply to jobs. I'm looking at some stuff in California and some stuff in Korea.
As for the breakup recovery. Honestly, it's easier than I thought, and harder than I thought. I'm not in a state of constant depression. But there are moments when a new thought occurs and I am overwhelmed with an emotion. Usually anger or grief. They are short waves. But nonetheless, they come and wash over me. After a few minutes of tears I return to the reality before me. I am stuck in Philly with no real leads on where I go from here.
Today I experienced my first wave of hope. I was thinking about how much I felt for Jason. How willing I was to love him, to put him before myself, to really give myself to him. And I thought, what if I found someone who loved me back this way? How beautiful would that be? A little glimmer of hope. I'm not sure how much to really hope. It hurts my heart to think in these extremes. It's a process and I know that. I'm just not sure what to do from here.

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