Friday, July 25, 2008

Sorry for the angst

So the last few days have been filled with a lot of feelings. Up and down and everywhere. My poor friends have had to listen to my complaints on different situations and wipe the tears from my eyes. My last posting is just an example of the extreme emotions I have felt the last few days.
There is a lot going on in my heart and I am learning that I cannot deny the pain that I am feeling, nor should I ignore it. This is a time when I can learn to truly cleave to the Lord. I have found myself praying this simple prayer throughout the day: Lord, deal with my heart. Any pain and frustration. Any hopes crushed. All of these push me into the arms of the Lord.
Maybe I am not doing enough now, maybe Im not distracted enough. Maybe I have too much time on my hands and that is making me think about things too much. But really, is thinking about things too much possible? Do I always need to be distracted? Anyways, either way, my prayer for today and tomorrow is: Lord, deal with my heart.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


you make me mad
how dare you not care
how dare you just walk
after so long

all the time I wasted on you
all the love I wasted on you
all the hope

Oh the hope that someday
something might be returned
but there's obviously nothing
you have nothing to give me but sadness

for so long you were the source of joy
but it was all based on a false dream
that will never see the morning

how dare you cast my heart
so easily to the side
and you have no clue

in the end, I am the fool
how dare you not know
I am the fool
to think that it would be different

now no words are given
nothing shared
and the truth comes forward
and I am the fool
I am the fool

Saturday, July 19, 2008

pitter patter of the heart

I wrote out my "non-negotiables" over 5 years ago. And for the past 5 years, I have seen those non negs as the guidelines for what kind of man I would hope to marry and what kind of wife I would hope to be. The past month, I have been learning something new about my heart. Not different, but new. Instead of setting boundaries for my heart, the past month has been a time to examine the natural tendencies of my heart. I have spent some considerable time talking to some close girlfriends about some recent matters of the heart and I have come to realize that my approach romantic love is quite unconventional to my generation. I seem to fit more into the mold of Elizabeth Bennet (from Pride and Prejudice) than any modern heroine. I am not looking for that butterfly in the stomach, can't sleep at night, sweaty hands relationship. I am looking for deep admiration and respect. Sure, I would love to feel that chemistry with someone, but when I am honest with myself, that chemistry means much less to me than truly admiring and trusting a man.
There have been few guys I have deeply admired this way. But those few guys have affected my heart in a way that I cannot describe. It's odd. I feel a deep deep love for them. All I want to do is love them and pray for them. And even though we may never actually move to the dating stage of our relationship, my love for them does not die easily. Back in the day when I was into the whole eharmony thing, I remember being asked if I valued chemistry. I wasn't sure how to respond. Now I know, my heart may be quick to move on the surface level, but the love that will someday lead me to the altar comes not from a few movie dates, but from a deep respect that is built upon months of noticing godly character.
All of this is to say that I am learning how my heart works. I value admiration over chemistry. A godly man, trustworthy and gentle, strong and humble. These qualities make my heart pitter patter.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

some movement of the Holy Spirit

In the last 24 hours I have been twice given the opportunity to serve others, to put others before myself. My church called and said that they needed someone to teach the 3 year old class. And to be honest, I hesitated. Not for any good reason, but just because I wanted my summer sundays to myself. And I could have said no. I could have asked for a more glorious job at the church. But I knew God was softly whispering His rebuke, calling me to serve before being served, to give before receiving glory. So I agreed to help in the way that my church needed. And I knew as soon as I said yes, that I had done the right thing. Serving would be the biggest blessing.
And then today my roommate asked me to help some of her friends pack to move to Texas. I really didn't want to. I didn't have any plans but wanted to spend the evening selfishly sitting on my couch. But I tried to find any valid reason to not help these people, and nothing came but the Lord's reminder that serving is a blessing. So I went tonight and spent a few hours helping a couple who are moving to Texas to pastor a church. And you know what? It WAS a blessing. Truly there is blessing in serving. As someone who all too often jumps straight into the spotlight, I need the reminder that our Savior was a servant. He loved so much that He gave up His own life to save us.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

4th of July Parade

Jason and I before the parade. We rocked it!

Our church passed out water bottles to the people watching the parade

Even the puppy helped the cause

I love my church!

Saturday, July 05, 2008

more pics from the travels

beautiful portugal

hot mommas!

pictures of the travels

Dani and I with our monster backpacks

Our super cool lunch of cheese on bread!

Remind anyone of Valpo???

It rained in Venice


writing from home, at last

Some photos from Venice:

Hello friends!

Just wanted to let you know that I have arrived safely at home after my travels abroad. I had a wonderful time. Portugal, Spain, Italy, Belgium, Holland, Northern Ireland, England. It was a wonderful trip. I got sick at the end, but still managed to have a great time. I will try to post some pictures so you guys can see the amazing places we got to go.