Thursday, October 21, 2010

Hellos and Goodbyes

I realize I haven't written on here for over a month. As I have mentioned in the past, during times of transition in life, or any intense life action, I can't bring myself to blog. These times are usually too intense to write a post that resembles any reality of my life.
I am leaving Korea in 18 days. I knew this time would come. I spent most of the year though, thinking that I would be rejoicing, anticipating, and relishing this upcoming departure. But as my time in Korea is coming to an end, I instead find myself sad. For those of you who knew me when I left Chile, this is nothing like that. My sadness over leaving Chile was more of a heart wretching sadness. It felt much like a break up. This isn't near that. I still don't love living here. I still feel like a fish out of water in Korean culture. But it is my home. It has been my home for over a year. And it has been a place of healing for me. Coming here alone, and leaving here alone, I can look back and see the Lord's faithfulness to me in bringing me here. He brought me here and let me walk through the darkest time of my life. He brought me here and planted me in a community where I found deep relationships, gospel centered community, and a chance to serve with all my heart.
I feel guilty that I am sad. I have told so many of you back home that I am anxious to leave Korea. I have spent the year ready to leave, and now that the time has come, I'm sad. Not sad enough to stay. But I am realizing how deeply the Lord has been planting me here. When I think about the fact that all the peices of my life, all the details, all the people, that all these things are about to disappear... I feel sad. I am not ready to say goodbye. But my lack of readiness doesn't mean I should stay longer. I will never be ready to say goodbye to some of the people here. Thankfully, with most of those people, this isn't quite goodbye. We worship the Lord Jesus, we anticipate a great reunion.
And so these last few weeks, as I am approaching the end of my time here, I know that there is joy somewhere in my heart about returning home. I know there is excitement about heading to Chile, but all I can see and feel is sadness here and now.
(PS- I dont write this with any intention of being comforted, nor even seeking words of comfort. I see this as a blessing. I am sad because God has done a good thing here. If I weren't at all affected by leaving I would doubt that I had really learned to see His work in my life here. So while you are welcome to offer words of consolation, I am in no hurry to move away from the sadness that I feel.)