Thursday, November 27, 2008

the road ahead

My facebook status reads that I am "sad, hopeful, and thankful for it all." And really, all three of those are exactly how I have been feeling as I approach the end of my time at Westminster. Yesterday was my last day of classes for the semester. I have a few weeks of madness ahead of me with finals and the the rest of the December will be spent doing... well, not much. Then, after a three day class on Islam in the beginning of January, it's up to NYC for me. I'll be moving into the Jews for Jesus building to spend some quality time with the two student interns there. I'll also spend some time working on my thesis which is on discipleship formation among the postmodern unchurched population in Manhattan. My nerd alarm goes off anytime I even begin to think about how excited I am to work on this project. And then May 28th, I graduate, and that is where this timeline stops. I have NO idea where the Lord will take me at that point. In fact, I have little idea of what my life will look like from January through May. All this uncertainty should be rocking my world, but so far I've been fairly calm. I've been here before, in the land of uncertainity. And I have seen the Lord lead time and time again into new territory, into new schools, new communitites, even new countries. And He has always provided. So I am learning to trust that His goodness never fails.
Yet I'm surprised. And I'm surprised that I'm surprised. I've been feeling this sadness fall over my heart this last week. The thought of leaving the community I have found at Westminster brings tears to my eyes. My friend Michelle accuses me of breaking hearts. I go places, make friends, and then leave. And I am tired of feeling like there is no permanence in my life. I'm tired of making friends and then realizing that I will leave them soon. I don't know what the Lord has in store for me, but this week I am allowing myself to feel that pain and coming before the Lord with it, and offering it. There isn't much else I can do. But my sadness is followed by hope, knowing that God is good and has given me this opportunity to place all my trust in Him. And at the end of the day, I am thankful for this time.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Snow is here, and I'm not okay with it

My house... all covered in snow.

Our street.. burrrr!
This whole snowing thing that has happened on us the past few days is disturbing. I feel like a little kid who has to deal with life changing and having no control over whats going on around me. I don't like it. It's really cold. I know some people really like the snow, but I just can't seem to get there. I miss warmth. I miss the sun. Goodness, I miss California.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Admiring Betsy

I've been feeling frustration in a lot of my relationships. Growing pains. Things in me feel different now. I had a really awkward conversation with someone today who I have been waiting to get to talk to them for months. And now I'm all awkward. My fears are creeping up into my heart and there is little I can do but recognize them and surrender them. I'm realizing how little I pray, and how weak my few prayers are. I'm seeing my pride lash out against my brothers and my heart breaking.

I think I'm learning to be single. There are these two women here at westminster who I admire deeply. Betsy and Barb. They are each involved in amazing and awesome ministries and I find myself watching them and the way they approach life. Both are single and fully and wholly devoted to God. Truly beautiful.
And yet it seems like so many older single women, especially in ministry, are rough and cold. They lack that feminine warmth that brings people close. It almost seems like there is a bitterness in them. If you are older and single and reading this, please do not be offended, I don't have anyone in particular in mind, just a general reflection on life.
My fear is that if I never marry, I will loose that warmth that comes with being a woman. But these two women have shown me over the last few months that you CAN be a single woman and still be filled with joy and warmth.
Betsy has really caught my attention. She's lived in Thailand for the last 17 years and her perspective on singleness is inspiring. She is a role model if I ever saw one. I see her gentleness and sweetness and I admire her. If I am going to remain single my whole life, I hope I take advantage of it. I hope I love life and find joy in my relationships, never falling into despairing bitterness. I hope my heart remains open to life and wonder. The more I time I spend in this part of my life, the more I am becoming comfortable (maybe too comfortable) with my singlehood.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Halloween fun (I mean, Reformation Day fun!)

Last night was Halloween, you gotta love it. Lexie from school and Lizzy from church threw a party at their house. Basically a bunch of people from wts, New Life Glenside, and other random places having WAY too much fun!
I was Reformation Princess Superhero. :) Of course.
Chris, my peruvian friend and me... he was trying to steal my TULIP!

Miss Heather and me

the "greek" boys.. gotta love them!

Me and Mr. Bobby Rhodes

Michael stole my tulip!

The Blades and me

And finally- what do Peter Pan, a penguin, and the Reformed Princess Superhero have in common? THEY LOVE TO PAR-TAY!