I've been feeling frustration in a lot of my relationships. Growing pains. Things in me feel different now. I had a really awkward conversation with someone today who I have been waiting to get to talk to them for months. And now I'm all awkward. My fears are creeping up into my heart and there is little I can do but recognize them and surrender them. I'm realizing how little I pray, and how weak my few prayers are. I'm seeing my pride lash out against my brothers and my heart breaking.
I think I'm learning to be single. There are these two women here at westminster who I admire deeply. Betsy and Barb. They are each involved in amazing and awesome ministries and I find myself watching them and the way they approach life. Both are single and fully and wholly devoted to God. Truly beautiful.
And yet it seems like so many older single women, especially in ministry, are rough and cold. They lack that feminine warmth that brings people close. It almost seems like there is a bitterness in them. If you are older and single and reading this, please do not be offended, I don't have anyone in particular in mind, just a general reflection on life.
My fear is that if I never marry, I will loose that warmth that comes with being a woman. But these two women have shown me over the last few months that you CAN be a single woman and still be filled with joy and warmth.
Betsy has really caught my attention. She's lived in Thailand for the last 17 years and her perspective on singleness is inspiring. She is a role model if I ever saw one. I see her gentleness and sweetness and I admire her. If I am going to remain single my whole life, I hope I take advantage of it. I hope I love life and find joy in my relationships, never falling into despairing bitterness. I hope my heart remains open to life and wonder. The more I time I spend in this part of my life, the more I am becoming comfortable (maybe too comfortable) with my singlehood.