Thursday, October 08, 2009

depravity

Today I felt the weight of my depravity.

I had a sad dream last night. Not a bad one, per se, but a sad one. When I woke up, I tried with all my might to return there. I wanted to go back to the tears in my dream. I wasn’t done crying I guess. But I couldn’t fall back asleep so I got up and made my way over to Paris Baguette, the coffee house around the corner that has the cheapest americanos and yummy breakfast pastries. I got some work done, blogged, and talked to a few people via internet. But over me hung this dark cloud, residue from my sad dream. I told one of my friends on gchat about it and found myself tearing up in the cafĂ©. I guess it’s going to be one of those days. I made my way over to school, trying to block out the pain at the bottom of my heart.

Classes were not so good today. I realized throughout the day that when I am not okay, my pool of grace for the kids is all dried up and I have no patience with anything. I guess it was a bad day for the kids to come to class without their homework. A bad day for them to be naughty in class. A bad day for the trouble makers to break my heart. I was on the edge of anger and frustration for much of the day. And not just with the kids, with myself as well. I hated that I wasn’t being patient with them, that I was taking out my bad day on them. Ah well, things tomorrow will be different. They have to be. I want to be. I can’t stay here in this sadness forever, even if it haunts me in my dreams. I really am doing much better since the weekend. But there seem to be parts of my heart that just won’t heal. Or maybe they have, and I just don’t recognize the scars that have formed…

I’m not looking for encouragement, just trying to be honest. I am still working through what all of this means. What does it mean that I still prefer to be alone than with people? That even though I’ve made friends, very nice and sweet friends, here, and even though I enjoy myself when I am with them, I still crave solitude? I’m not asking any of you for answers. I’m just letting you see a little into my struggle.

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