Saturday, October 10, 2009

Not feeling so social

I have noticed a pattern. Stay busy, and be okay. Have time to think and reflect, and choke back the tears. Not really a healthy pattern, but I guess its something. I decided to check out an area of Seoul called Hongdae today. It's where the university is and it's known for being a cool hip area. It's also the only place in Seoul where they sell nose rings. I have yet to see a Korean with a nose ring, so they aren't exactly sold everywhere. It's precious when I wear my nose ring and the kids go crazy asking me about it. So I headed out nice and early to make it across town (about a 30 minute subway ride). When I got there I wandered around for a while before I realized I was hungry. THe problem was, I didn't want any of the food I saw available. Korean food is made to be eaten in groups of at least two. There are a few dishes like bibimbop that you can eat by yourself, but in general, Koreans don't eat alone. In fact, many Korean restaurants don't even have a menu available for single meals. Food is communal. So I wandered around for a while, not sure what to do. Finally I stumbled upon Dos Tacos and I felt a million times better. I had a beef and avocado burrito. While it was NOTHING like La Tapatia, it was just what I needed.

Yeah, while today was not nearly as bad as last week, it was really only better in that I have a little more understanding of what's going on in my heart. The problem isn't that I am alone here and I can't make friends. But that I don't want friends. The few that I have made, I struggle against running away from them. I suspected when Jason and I broke up that this was going to be more a matter of trust than heart. I have come to a place where I don't really blame Jason as much as I used to, so that's good. I don't know what happened really. I'm not sure I will ever know. The reality is today, I am not wary of just men, but all relationships whether or not they are romantic. I don't want any friends. I don't want American friends and I don't want Korean friends. I avoided most people for most of the time from June through September, and now I expect myself to be different? Maybe I just got used to being alone. I would rather be alone. Ha. Now you should be worried right? I'm speaking out of pain right now, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. I am making myself be social at least sometimes. I am supposed to have one of my few Korean friends over for lunch tomorrow. It will be the first time I entertain in my apartment. I have to confess, as sweet as my friend is, the thought of being social for 3 or 4 hours is draining. I'm sure it will be fine.

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