Confession time. I have been struggling with jealousy. It’s not often that my jealous nature is brought to my attention. But I couldn’t ignore the resentment building in my chest every time I entered the church. You might think this sounds crazy, and to be honest, it probably is. But I was so jealous of the people who worked at the church. I want so badly to work for a church. Someone in youth ministry once told me that at their orientation day at seminary, a professor stood up and told the group of students that if they could imagine themselves doing anything else, anything else, that they should leave and go do that. That youth ministry was very difficult and unless you are called and can’t imagine doing anything else, you should leave. I don’t know if I agree with that, but it certainly resonates with my soul right now. There is nothing I want to do but ministry.
I went to church a week ago and was overwhelmed by my jealousy of those who are serving in full time ministry. I know my desire to be in ministry is a good desire. I asked the Lord why I had to spend this year teaching English. He had called me. He had prepared me. And now He was sticking me in a stinky job teaching English to whinny kids? Why? And I heard Him in my heart. It was loud and clear. “Obey me. Even here, in a job you don’t want. Obey me.” Obedience when things are how we want them is almost easy. But then again, are we truly obeying, or are we just doing what we want to do?” So God wants me to obey Him here, in a job I don’t want. At church last week, Pastor Drew was talking about a totally different topic, but he referenced Col. 3:23-24. “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive your inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.” I’m sure you’ve heard this passage before, but did you know that it is not just addressed to anyone, but to slaves? That’s right. Slaves. When I read that, I felt it click in my heart. I feel like a slave to my debt. I am, really. I don’t have the freedom to do what I wish to do. And the Lord is calling me to obedience even in this time. He could have provided for my freedom from my debt. I could have gotten an anonymous check in the mail for all the money I owe. It’s happened to other people. So why didn’t He provide like that? I don’t know the whole why, but I know that He did provide. He provided this job for me to get out of debt, and He is calling me to obedience to Him here and now.