My friends tease me about my lack of identity. Or, I guess a better way of describing the problem, is that I feel very latina, but I am also very comfortable in the black culture. I love the inner city and yet find myself drawn to the hippy life. And then I have part of my identity tied into my Jewish heritage roots. I have moments in which I think I could live in a black neighborhood for forever, and then I hear a reggeaton song and I am sure that I couldn't live without the part of my personality that is very latina. And then Passover comes and there is no question of my celebrating it. How can I so completely identify with three such distinct cultures? And how do I reconcile these different aspects of my personhood?
I think my mom struggled with this in some way. I know she is very artistic, a poet and song writer. But also a scientist. She found a job that allows her creativity in science. I hope I find a place I can fit. I feel really torn. I loved the latina culture in Chile, and yet I remember missing hip hop. Ashlee and I would put on Ciara and dance our hearts away. The thought of living sin espanol, me da pena (without spanish, gives me pain).
I guess all of this is a part of growing up and figuring out who you are. But my experiences have given me too much, and I find myself loving all these different cultures and not knowing which one I live in.
Which brings me to another thought. I heard the head of foreign missions of the OPC church speak yesterday. He was talking about the struggles and challenges of foreign missions and as he was sharing I realized that my understanding of my call is very different than what he was talking about. I want to live in other countries. And I want to do ministry. It is much more of a natural thing for me. Maybe I am wrong in my approach, but when I move somewhere I want to be a part of that culture. I can't say what others are called to, but when I was in Chile, I was not just some outsider. I was chilena (or so I like to think). I was not an expat, I was not a missionary- I was just someone who wanted to live there in that country. Who loved the country. And who loved Jesus.
I guess I am just trying to figure out where I am going.
Funny, I always end up here.
Dios te bendiga!