Monday, March 11, 2013

stupid and stubborn heart

This post will be one of those confessional ones. One of those posts where I lay out on the table just how ridiculous I am.

Did you know that you can have all your wildest dreams come true, and still not be happy?

For YEARS I have dreamed of living in Chile. And not only has God given me that, but He brought me to the coolest neighborhood in said country and gave me an amazing apartment.

For YEARS I have wanted to work in full time ministry. So much so that I got myself into $30,000 in debt to study for an Masters in the thing. And now, I not only get to be in full time ministry, but I get to work with a church planting network (so cool!) and be the women's pastor at an amazing church plant. DREAM COME TRUE.

So could someone please tell me why, with all these dreams-come-true, with these prayers answered, with such an obviously wonderful God who blessed me richly with an incredible life, better than I could ever imagine. Why, oh why am I discontent? Why don't I feel gratitude welling up in my heart? Why don't I burst forth in song, praising God for His goodness to me.

Instead I feel apathy toward prayer. I feel sluggish to spend time with God. I feel... eh.

Well, welcome to the broken sinful human heart. I know all these good and amazing gifts came from God. I know He loves me and He has given me life, and life abundant in Him. I preach it to my women every day. And I believe it. I just don't feel it at the moment. And that sucks. Because believing it is good. But Jesus died on that cross so I could experience a relationship with Him. So I could enjoy His presence. So I could live.

I know this is just a phase, I have been here before. I know that I will feel joy at the thought of spending time with God. That I will look forward to praying. And for now, I battle my stupid and stubborn heart that refuses to rejoice in Jesus. Because it is my stupid and stubborn heart that saps the life out of the one thing that makes me truly wildly happy. No, not my situation in life. Not my neighborhood or my job. Not even a husband could make me feel that crazy happy. Only Jesus.

So stupid and stubborn heart, I command you. Cease and desist.


Carolyne said...

The answer to that is found in Ecclesiastes: 1. satisfaction cannot come from anything within man's power; 2. everything under the sun is a series of repetitions and is empty experience; 3. God designed it that way. He's sovereign; and 4. God gives you the gift to know this and still be able to enjoy the vanity.

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