Saturday, April 21, 2012

The heart never forgets

A friend of mine just broke up with her boyfriend. I was chatting with her, trying to love her from afar. It got me thinking about my own break up oh so many years ago. I thought I'd take a moment to look back on some of the emails from my time with Jason. As soon as I typed in his name to search for those emails, I felt a wave of nausea rush over me. I pushed through it and opened the emails that held the conversations between Jason and me... far from love letters, but little notes that made me remember all that I felt for him. After a minute or two, I was so overwhelmed with nausea that I had to stop, close my computer and walk away.
Such an intense reaction to reopening up the past made me wonder. What does it look like to move on? I'm not in love with Jason anymore (obviously). I still wish the best for him, hope that he is doing well, and somewhere deep in my heart I still love him. Given the chance to be with him again, no thanks. Yet, I have such a strong reaction to reading those emails.
I was reflecting on all this with my friend Magda. And she reminded me that God knows how my heart and what my heart can and can't handle. I've seen over the last few years how incredibly sensitive I am. My heart is so easily affected, for better or worse. God knows that and He reigns over my heart.
When I was younger I naively prayed that God would guard my heart and keep all the "extras" away. That He would keep me away from all the other guys until "my man" came. Little did I know how well God would answer that prayer!
As much as sometime I get frustrated or embarrassed by my lack of dating relationships, I realize how affected I am by those relationships and I see the hand of God in keeping me. There are few guys (really, few) that I have loved. And the recovery time for my heart after one of those guys is longer than I'd like to admit.

So Lord, be faithful to me. 
Be King and Lord of my heart. 
May I find my deepest joy and satisfaction in You. 
And may Your love be the hope of my heart

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