Skip to main content

The heart never forgets

A friend of mine just broke up with her boyfriend. I was chatting with her, trying to love her from afar. It got me thinking about my own break up oh so many years ago. I thought I'd take a moment to look back on some of the emails from my time with Jason. As soon as I typed in his name to search for those emails, I felt a wave of nausea rush over me. I pushed through it and opened the emails that held the conversations between Jason and me... far from love letters, but little notes that made me remember all that I felt for him. After a minute or two, I was so overwhelmed with nausea that I had to stop, close my computer and walk away.
Such an intense reaction to reopening up the past made me wonder. What does it look like to move on? I'm not in love with Jason anymore (obviously). I still wish the best for him, hope that he is doing well, and somewhere deep in my heart I still love him. Given the chance to be with him again, no thanks. Yet, I have such a strong reaction to reading those emails.
I was reflecting on all this with my friend Magda. And she reminded me that God knows how my heart and what my heart can and can't handle. I've seen over the last few years how incredibly sensitive I am. My heart is so easily affected, for better or worse. God knows that and He reigns over my heart.
When I was younger I naively prayed that God would guard my heart and keep all the "extras" away. That He would keep me away from all the other guys until "my man" came. Little did I know how well God would answer that prayer!
As much as sometime I get frustrated or embarrassed by my lack of dating relationships, I realize how affected I am by those relationships and I see the hand of God in keeping me. There are few guys (really, few) that I have loved. And the recovery time for my heart after one of those guys is longer than I'd like to admit.


So Lord, be faithful to me. 
Be King and Lord of my heart. 
May I find my deepest joy and satisfaction in You. 
And may Your love be the hope of my heart

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

a good sign

I live near a long thin park called Parque Forestal. It's really quite a nice park and it has a long stretch of a lane for riding bikes or jogging. And since I have a fear of riding bikes in this city, I jog. It's really pleasent. I usually listen to radioDisney on my mp3 player and jog along to Jonas Brothers, Beyonce, or Julieta Venegas. Great stuff. Yesterday on my jog I noticed that the trees were beginning to change. Fall has finally arrived and I am glad for the change. But as I was jogging through the falling leaves, I began to think about how much I like fall. And I had this special moment when I realized that I want to be here in Santiago, jogging through this park for many falls to come. After the past few weeks of cultural adjustment being a little more painful than normal, this was a nice thought to have.
62 comments
Read more

la musica de chile

For a moment I would liek to ponder the music of Chile. You see, I listen to just about everything (except non-live jazz). Even country, although in this category I limit myself to Dixie Chicks and The Judds (only the old stuff). Here in Chile there is really only a few types of music. One, the corny romantic music that belongs on programs like "Delilah at night". Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I love this type of music. Another type of music is Reggaton (not sure about the spelling, but do I ever spell words correctly?). This is Latin America´s response to Hip Hop. Very good for dancing. I also love the fact that most Reggaton is in Spanglish, my favorite language. There is this other type of music that I like to call the "Corny Electric Piano Musica". Too corny for me and I can only take so much electric piano in one song. I am amazed at how much Englsih music is played here. And people sing to it. they actually know the words, but they have no clue what t
18 comments
Read more

murderous thoughts for cats

I got home from work today, exhausted, only to face the horrible whining of the neighborhood cats outside my window. They used to be really loud, and then in the cold of the winter they disappeared. But now they seem to have returned in full force. I sure hope I can sleep tonight!
9 comments
Read more