Monday, October 10, 2011

back on the horse...

Im not really sure where to start. Too much time has passed and too much life has passed. It’s been about 3 months since I last posted. A few of you have asked why I stopped blogging. I started blogging 6 years ago when I first moved to Chile. This blog has seen me through quite a few stages in life, even through quite a few countries. I blog for others (my family, my friends) but I also blog for myself. But recently, life has been a bit full. In the last three months, my work load has increased a bit, my commitments with my church have increased (the amount of activities, the sentiment has always been 100%) and some key players in my life have come and gone. One of the bigger moments recently was when my boss, who has been an incredible support for me in my life here, died. Very unexpectedly. She was young, in her mid 30s, and for all we knew vivacious. I don’t want to get into the dirty details here but I will say that the cause of death is still not sure. She left behind her husband and 3 year old daughter. While it didn’t effect my everyday life, it has definitely changed my role in my job. I am helping the widower (my new boss) with logistics in the institute. And the future of our institute is a bit unclear at the moment. Again, no need for details. But its been a bit crazy.
Another part of my absence has been the rollercoaster I’ve been on with the Lord. Don’t get me wrong, His faithfulness never fails. But mine is ridiculously inconsistent. Since May I’ve shed quite a few tears in my struggle to believe that the Lord is both good AND all powerful. He’s been exposing my heart to the ugliness that lies beneath my façade of godliness. I say that I trust Him, but when push comes to shove, I panic at the thought that He might have plans for my life that don’t match up with what I have dreamed of. I have wrestled with Him, knowing (and even desiring) that He will win. But the angst in my heart grew strong and spilled out into tears. People kept asking how they could pray for me, and my answer was to pray that I would find my JOY in Him, and Him alone. I was so tired of my heart’s pursuit of idols. I just wanted to enjoy Jesus. But my heart was stubbornly clinging to these idols that I knew would never truly satisfy me. The last two weeks have been much better. Prayers have been answered and I feel a million times more tranquila. I find myself literally skipping down the street in joy after our church leadership meetings, singing praise songs as I clean my apartment, and laughing a LOT with my girlfriends. The Lord has been filling my life with joy. He has been reminding me that gratitutde is not an action but a general attitude in life. So I am choosing gratitude. Choosing joy. Choosing to believe that Jesus is infinitely more satisfying than anything else.

1 comment:

Diana said...

Glad you are back on the blogging horse- I missed ya.