Sunday, April 04, 2010

a time for tears

While I have many joyous posts waiting for you all (Passover, Easter, and my visit to Suwon) I write tonight a post not quite joyous.
It was this week a year ago that the ex and I began our relationship. I was keenly aware of this fact all week. This past month I have been more social than ever before here in Korea, and this past week has been even more so. I have spent all week running around, getting things ready for Passover, hanging with friends, and just being in relationships in general. This is such a stark contrast from the dark hole I hid in from June till January. I spent those 8 months hiding from people, running from all friendships, and spending most of my free time alone. I was telling a friend today that I would spend my Saturdays alone, and would often go all day without saying a single word out loud. Most of you reading this blog know how much I talk. Nope, I learned to love silence. In fact, anything more than that would scare me. So this week, being a year mark from the beginning of the ex and me, being a generally social week, and being holy week... it all came crashing on me tonight. I cried a lot tonight. Not the deep despair crying like I did in October. But it wasnt just a tear rolling down the cheek. I am ok. There are people here who wont let me withdraw back into my pit. But I seeing how the darkness follows me. I haven't really regained any sense of a future. I am too comfortable being alone. And I am praying that God continue to walk me through this. I guess each step whether easy or hard must be done in faith that He is good and He is faithful.

As I heard a pastor say recently, "Faith is seeing God in the darkness"

May the Lord bless me and keep me, may He make His face shine down upon me, and may He grant me peace and grace in our Savior Jesus Christ.

2 comments:

kimmen said...

Dear Shira

It can take time to heal -- one year is not so much in the scale of things. You're doing all the right things, and life will continue to grow in happiness. Bon courage!!

love

Mom

Alison said...

Becka, F the ex - you're one of a kind, and the right guy is out there somewhere...Chag Sameach and Happy Belated Easter!