For my faithful readers who have been wondering if I would ever write about heart issues again, here you go. I've been working through some things and I was waiting for a good time to write on the things going on. I've learned in the past that blogging about personal matters is always complicated and when it involves other people, it is nearly impossible. So today, on White Day, I'd like to share with you some reflections about my romantic life (or lack thereof).
In a recent conversation with a friend about relationships, I confessed that as I have gotten older, I have gotten pickier. I'm not sure pickier is the right word, but as I've gotten older, I've gotten to know myself better. I'll try not to get too new ageish with this, but honestly I have learned about the things that matter to me, and things that don't. Boys who I would have died to be with in college, I now have the hindsight, and foresight, to see that we would not be good together. Many of my friends married really young, and for them a lot of their growth as a person has been affected, or even directed by their marriage. But I have been alone for most of my 26 years. I have had to take care of myself, to make decisions based upon myself, and have sought the Lord's will alone. This means I have moved into adulthood alone and I am beginning to realize that I have to be pickier than I was when I was 20.
For example, as I've gotten older, I've realized how important adoption is to me. There was a conversation in my last relationship when I blurted out (to my own surprise) that I really wanted to adopt. I had always thought it was cool, but the moment I was in a situation where I was making decisions about my life, I knew that I wanted to adopt. Don't get me wrong, I want a kid or two of my own, I want to be pregnant and to experience all that comes with that. But there is something inside me that knows that I was made to adopt children. It's making me teary just thinking about it. There is such a beautiful picture of the Gospel in adoption. One person shared a quote with me from an adopting mom about her birth children being born of her body, but her adopted children being born of her heart. I hear that and think about the children out there who are in such need of moms and dads. In the last week the topic has come quite a few times. So today when I was talking to a friend about relationships, I realized that adoption is almost a non negotiable to me. Maybe it wont ever happen, maybe I will never get to be a mom (either biologically or through adoption) but the way I understand the world, the Gospel, and who I am as a woman compels me toward adoption. I want to be with a man who isn't just okay with us adopting, but who is committed to loving EVERY child in our family as his own.
I've been thinking about marriage recently. As I've gotten older, I have begun to understand who I am before the Lord. Im understanding my gifts, my weaknesses, and my calling to worship God. I am more comfortable as a single than I ever have been. I know who I am, and while I still desire greatly to marry, I cannot just marry anyone. If I ever marry, my poor husband will have to be full of grace and patience for me. But I also have come to see how I will be an excellent wife to the right man.