I feel a little dizzy. Not really, but I feel like I should. I honestly barely recognize myself yet I know that the person that is staring at me in the mirror is just the new Becka. She is something similar to the Becka of 2008, but somehow older and wiser. I am reading a book called A Grace Disguised (by Jerry Sittser) that talks about how to deal with loss. Some of the sentences in this book I have to read 3 or 4 times beforeI can move on. They are so deep. I wish I could just sit in them for hours. One of the quotes that caught me today, "The soul is elastic, like a balloon. It can grow larger through suffering. Loss can enlarge its capacity for anger, depression, despair, and anguish, all natural and legitimate emotions whenever we experience loss. Once enlarged, the soul is also capable of experiencing greater joy, strength, peace, and love." (p.48) In case youre tempted to throw this guy's words aside as fluffy, this author wrote this book out of his pain of losing his wie, daughter, and mother all in one car accident. His grief was and is deep, yet he offers hope to those who walk in the darkness of sorrow. There is life in pain. I really recommend this book to anyone who is suffering or who knows someone who is suffering (which is ALL of us!)
Back to the point. I have so dramatically changed in the past month. My friend Ben moved here and I remember telling him before he came that I was very different than I used to be. That I was antisocial, prefered to be alone over being social. That I was not filled with joy or peace or hope.
He must think I was lying, because started about a week before he arrived, I started to see a change in myself. It started the night that I got into a fight with my friend about the Gospel. I was defending the Gospel of Jesus and what it means to follow Him. In particular, I was defending what it means to love the way Jesus loved. I realized that I had shackled myself to my sin of selfishness over the last 9 months. I was being really selfish because I was filled with fear of being hurt again. That night I cried a lot. I left my friend. Cried some more. I talked to my dad the next morning. And cried some more. I was afraid that my days of depression were returning. I prayed fiercely against the pit of depression. And I went to church. There is no magic potion to dealing with this stuff. But I can tell you, living in a grace filled community is a sure help. I dont know all the factors to my change over the last month but I think it is more than a coincidence that it has occurred over the time that I have attended this church.
So to all of you who have been praying for me, thank you. I am doing well. I have awoken to find that I am enjoying life again. It wasn't a decision I made. It wasn't even noticable until it was happening. But it was a miracle. I still don't really like living in Korean culture. I'm still annoyed with my kids talking about my weight. I still miss latin culture with all my heart. But I have found a way to live here. And maybe it was good timing that Ben came here as I came out of my funk. As I hit my 6 month mark here soon (on the 16th) it seems like God is changing me.