Monday, January 04, 2010

I do this to myself.

Actually I blame my mother. She is definitly the one I inherited the schmoltzy gene from. My dad doesn't cry when he watches a sad movie. No, he looks over at me sitting next to him with tears uncontrolably down my cheeks and usually chuckles. My mom is the one to blame. You can find us in front of some sappy movie sharing a box of tissues, trying to control the streams of tears and smalls fits of laughter at how silly we are for crying.

Today was a snow day so I spent much of it in my apartment cleaning and catching up on grading. I also watched some TV. Yeah, I should I have known better than to watch Brothers and Sisters. For each 45 minute episode, I spend at least 10 of them crying. I cried a bit this weekend actually. Maybe it's the cold and snow. Maybe it's the New Year and thinking about all that happened last year. Maybe I've been away from those I love for too long. Whatever it is, I've cried quite a bit this weekend. Tonight I saw something and it triggered in me the tiniest bit of sadness. Not the overwhelming kind I drowned in earlier this year. Just a deep still sadness. My heart seems to be a well that I just can't find the bottom of. It goes deeper and deeper. I fear what kind of pain it can withstand. I don't want to know it's limit. I guess its a good thing that this month is full of working overtime and snow. Maybe it will be too busy for me stop and think about things. I think I need to learn to not dwell in the sadness, but to just go to sleep (or just stop watching Brothers and Sisters!) I'm ok. No where NEAR where I was a few months ago. I think my heart, even after all this time, is still just tender. It's still really quick to feel things and to feel them deeply. I don't know if that will ever change. I guess with deep love, comes deep pain. And with deep pain comes the hope of deep love.

So I leave you with this quote:

The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater. --J. R. R. Tolkien (Fellowship of the Ring)

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