As I wrote earlier, it's been a week of reflection. I wish I could quantitatively judge how much I have changed over the past 6 months. Between graduating from seminary, going through the break and the valley that followed, and moving to Korea, I think it is safe to say that a lot has changed. But I have no one here who knew me before to judge. I will say that many of my regular conversations with God, about the desires and fears of my heart, have changed. While the subject matter remains the same, my prayers have changed. THe truth is, I do and always have desired marriage. I have wanted to be a wife since I was a little girl who dreamed of marrying Daniel Goldstein. I've wanted to be a mom since I was 3 and pretended to be mom to my dolls. But as much as my desire to be a wife and mom is ever present, my experience over the last year has taught me a radical trust in the Lord's goodness. My prayers have begun to reflect this new theology. As I have mentioned in previous posts, Korea has taught me to pray. But my fervent prayers are a little less "Give me!" and a little more "This is my desire, may Your will be done!"
There was some stuff that happened this week that brought up a bunch of fears. Fears of being vulnerable. Fears of rejection. Fears of more pain and hurt. I'm not sure how much more I can go through and there are parts of me that run away from any situation that may have the potential to bring pain. Even if that same situation may have the same potential to bring joy. But I have my girls to keep me grounded in the Gospel at all times. I shared this with Michelle who lovingly reminded me that there is no fear in the Gospel, and that God does not call us to live in fear, but in freedom. So I am praying that the Lord may teach me to walk in His freedom. Especially in terms of marriage. That is my desire, may His will be done!