Thursday, July 02, 2009

Season of Solitude

Recently I've been thinking about life in terms of seasons. Seasons aren't defined by time, but by states of being. It's an emotion. A movement of the heart.
I've been back here in New York for a week or so and I am amazed by how different this experience has been from the last six months. New York has taken on a whole other ambiance these days. Living here January through May, I couldn't get enough New York life. I wanted to walk through the Village each night, to have coffee with anyone and everyone, to meet as many people as I could.
This season in New York is quite different. Although it is only separated by a few weeks from the last one, this season is a whole other experience of New York. I find myself content in solitude. In fact, the city is an amazing place to experience solitude. To feel the rhythm of the city, to move slowly through the quick paced streets, to hear the voices all around you but not listen to a single one. It's beautiful. I used to have my ipod handy at all times, I would never walk without music playing in my ears. Now, I find myself loving the silence as I walk. The city isn't silent, but my mind is. I've tried listening to music a few times as I made the mile walk to work, but I find the music flustering. I can't take it. I can't take much these days.
I feel bad for my friends. I have all but fallen off the face of the earth.
As I was walking home today, i thought to myself that I should call one of them since its probably been a while since we talked. I scrolled through the contacts on my phone. Nothing. I put the phone back in my pocket. I would walk in silence. Two months ago I would have jumped at the opportunity to call a friend for my 20 minute walk home. But tonight, I found myself staring at my phone, completely apathetic.
This season of solitude. It's quite different from anything I've experienced. I've never felt so comfortable alone, nor so uncomfortable with people. I don't want to see anyone. I'm sure that trust has to do with my antisocial behavior. No matter how I rationalize what happened between me and Jason, the fact is, he was one of my closest friends, and I let him in, deep into my heart. And he hurt me. I just need time before I think I can trust people, even friends, again. Jason wasn't just any schmuck off the street but a friend. How can I trust again? I know, silly question. And really, friends, I do trust you. I'm just really hurt.
And so I walk in this season of solitude.

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