(Warning: this post is just as scattered in topic as my brain is emotionally scattered right now. If the train of thought presented here doesn't make sense to you, you're normal.)
I've been thinking about desires alot this week. I have so many dreams and desires in this life. Some of them are old, going way back to when I was a kid. For example, I remember as a little kid, before I was really a Christian, wanting to be a rabbi's wife. I think my mom would have rather me be a rabbi myself. But I wanted to be the wife of the religous leader. As I have grown in my faith that has translated easily into a desire to be a pastor's wife. I could explain why, but that would bore most of you, so just take my word on it, I would love to be a pastor's wife. But up till recently, I haven't narrowed down who I would marry based upon their vocational calling. I would have happily settled with a teacher, an engineer, or even... an accountant!
The last 6 months I have become more and more aware of my desire to do ministry. It runs so deeply in my veins and I can't imagine life outside of it. And this realization has brought another: I don't think I could ever marry someone who didn't share that calling. So what does that do to my expectations of a husband? These are all unanswered questions that I don't really expect answers to, but I hope when the time comes, I act in wisdom.
I have been under the impression for the last few years that I was more or less free of major issues. I thought, "I'm not that complicated. I've basically got it all together". Umm... well this week proved me wrong. The Lord allowed me to be tested in some ways this week, and I saw how truly messed up I am. How spastic I can get. How I have a hard time accepting love from others, especially unconditional love. Wow, this week, I was a mess. But I'm seeing the Lord teach me through all of this and His patience is immeasurable! I just pray that I have patience with His process. And that when these moments, these challenges occur, that I may act in wisdom.