So it's late, but I have to write this blog. I am reading a book, an excellent book, called when Life and Beliefs Collide (by Carolyn Custis James). It is my bedtime book this week. I have read a plethora of other books for my thesis, but this book is a personal fun one. It's about women and theology. The chapter I am on right now is exploring the reasons women stay away from theology and I have to say, it has struck a chord. The Lord has placed me in a season of life where I am truly learning what it means to be a theologian. A woman theologian. And not to fear being a theologian. It's odd to me that I would even hesitate to be one. Being raised by my feminist mother, I can't imagine much that men can do and women can't.
But this season, I have been confronted by people, friends even, who seem to espouse the idea that women should be wives and mothers and that having any dreams that are larger than that means you must be called to singleness. As I was reading the book tonight and working through these excuses for staying away from theology, I felt a knot deep in my stomach. I realized that this season of confrontation is teaching me about men. I've always said that I wanted a husband who loved studying theology and whose theology I could respect. But I am realizing another side to this coin: I need a husband who is okay with, no, actually one who wants a wife that loves theology.
The past 5 years have been filled with lessons and this is another one. I feel like I can look back and see the men that God has brought in and out of my life and I see the lessons I have learned from them. Some of these men have been examples of true godliness. Some of them have encouraged me and taught me that it is okay to be who I am, nerdiness and all. Other guys though, have crushed my spirit. Telling me (usually in essence, not words) that I can't be a theologian and a woman. That the desires I have are wrong, or they make me ineligible for being a wife or mother. Or that my strength is a bad thing. Or that I shouldn't be so concerned with theology- it's a boys' game.
Well, I am here to tell you that the Lord has taken this broken, self-righteous sinner and made her His own work. He has enabled me to serve the body of Christ and by His grace (AMEN!) I will do so. This may come off sounding proud, which honestly would not be surprising since I struggle greatly with pride. But I feel like recently there has been such an attack on my womanhood. I can't be a strong and intelligent theologian and a woman.
Oh Lord, restore us women to a place of seeking your face. Of wanting to know you more deeply (which by the way is theology!) and give us strength to love you and know you intimately as women.