The window in my 5th floor apartment bedroom over looks 31st street. More than the street itself, when I sit at my desk to work, I look out upon the tops of the surrounding buildings and watch the snow falling onto the rooftop patios, and the twilight slowly paint the sky a golden red. And I feel like some younger (and christian) version of Carrie Bradshaw. I think every girl who watches Sex and the City identifies with Carrie. The constant search for a man who will love you and even accept you. It seems easy for Carrie to find men who will love her (in the one night stand kind of way) but it isn't quite as easy to find the man who will accept all of her. Not that I have had any one night stands, nor am I planning on picking up that habit, but I understand the string of men that come in and out of Carrie's life as quite similar to the string of men that come in and out of my heart. They all seem to have so much potential, until we are up close the personal. Then it becomes quite clear that we are all wrong for each other.
The past few days, I've hung out with a guy who I used to think might have potential to be more than just a friend. But the more we hang out, the more I am convinced that we could never be happy together. We see the world completely differently. It is not just a matter of different ecclesiological preferences, but actual contrasting theologies. I could never be the wife he wanted and he thinks my hopes and dreams mean that I am either called to singleness or just not ready for marriage. Now, I may be called to singleness, but that would be the Lord's calling, not a result of my having too many gifts and hopes that could be used outside of the home. My ambitions are not in anyway mutually exclusive with marriage or motherhood. It has taken me a few days to come to this perspective and to be okay with letting this one go. Needless to say, this is one relationship I will skip. If I have learned anything from Carrie it is this: The pleasures that come with being in love are not worth the pain of loving the wrong person.