I wish I had the time and energy to write about the strange process the Lord is bringing me through. I wish I knew how to describe it. The Lord has been tearing back some of the layers of my heart. I am seeing my dependency on man and the pride of my selfish love. I am finding that all the times I thought I was loving, I was barely scraping the surface on what it means to love. I am finding myself hesitant to move into anything romantic, and yet all the while struggling with feelings that I don’t know where to put. Where are you supposed to put desire when you know that you are supposed to be completely content in the Lord? It is in us whether or not we want it. And it is not necessarily bad either. The desire to be known, to be loved, to be wanted. God said it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone, so He made Eve.
I have come to the point of realizing that there is a good possibility that I will be single for the rest of my life. And I am somehow okay with that. I know in my head that the Lord will provide. He will provide good relationships within the body of Christ. He will provide financially. He will provide places to have Christmas dinner. If nothing else, He will provide a shoulder to cry on when the loneliness gets to be too much. And yet, I still find myself choosing to get caught in immature intrigues. To let my heart wander to the guys who serve as sweet but unhealthy substitutes for the amazing goodness of the Lord. And in all this confusion, I see the Lord leading me in this process, sweetly calling me to keep my eyes on Him, the author and perfector of my faith. Someday, I may find myself called to marriage. I may even get to have kids. And if that is the case, I will praise the Lord for those blessings. But for now, I am choosing to praise the Lord, to truly honor Him for this gift of singleness He has given me.