My prayer life sucks. Basically I have commited to sitting out on my balcony for the last 15-20 minutes of every night and praying. And it has felt so uncomfortable, like talking to an old friend for the first time after years of not seeing them. I don't know what to say to God. I don't know how to praise Him. I look at the stars, and I feel awe, but not connected to this Creator I have come to admire, serve, and love. So I pray anyways and ask for forgiveness for my cold heart. I started this practice a little over a week ago, and each night, my talks with God become more natural, my praise more heart felt. And I have seen the effects of this choice in other areas. God speaks (or I listen to Him) more during the day.
I have been facing some interesting questions recently about my future. And in answering my questions, I know what my answer would have been a few years ago. And although they are the first answers that come to mind, I find myself answering differently, and these answers seem to be marked by a maturity that I don't have yet. But maybe I am in the process of growing. I am learning what it means to serve the Lord. What it means to know yourself, to know your limitations, to know your gifts, and to allow the Lord to work through them. To submit yourself to the Holy Spirit. To see an opportunity and before rushing into it, to consider well the implications of that decision. To consciously invest in your gifts and talents, and to take risks. To love life, and not run away from what it calls you to do.
I was talking to my friend Jason about some decisions and he made a comment about how we gringas are always changing our lives. Like one year we say we will live in the US, and the next year in Chile, and then a few months later in Cambodia. And it's true, kinda. There are so many people my age who are taking advantage of our great placement in life. We have the means and opportunities to travel. We have the desire to see the world, to know other people, other cultures. And I have been a part of that. And I have helped others be a part of that.
And yet, I find myself with the opportunity (and a little restlessness in my heart) to move on. Not to let myself get too comfortable in my life here in Chile. Maybe Brazil (with you, Aviva). Or maybe Africa. Who knows where I could go. And I could find an excuse to go there. But I think God might be calling me to grow up. To just do something. Don't get me wrong, I am SO glad I took the risk of coming out here all on my own. I am glad God called me out here to Chile. But before I continue my "out on the open road" youthful dreams, I am starting to think that God might want to just use me where I am. I'm still not sure what all this means. But I can feel God pulling me into something new. Something old actually. It almost feels like He is telling me to put away those childish things, and to focus on Him.
One of the things that I am thinking about it seminary. Yep, I'll definitly back into my 3 month cycle of wanting to be in seminary. What would I study? It reminds me of my desire for a tattoo. I want one, I know that, but I can't decide what drawing I would want. And I can't get one, until I am sure that I want that drawing. Same with seminary. I am pretty sure that I will go. But I can't go, I can't even apply until I know what I want to study. And then I hit the big question... what type of ministry do I want to do. After thinking and praying (woohoo! prayer rocks!) I have realized more of less where I want to work: in Urban Missions with a focus on Women's Discipleship. Yeah. Or at least for this week, that is where I am.
P.S. Kallie, you rock my world. I feel you babe!